I’m crying the worlds’ largest tears. Imagine the Oros man had his Oros taken away, imagine his tears, but not orange – that how big my tears are. I went to Royale in Long Street the other night for what I was told was going to be the burger experience of my life. Pffft.
I began my drive to Long Street, singing Adele, “Someone like you”, at the top of my lungs. It took a good ten minutes to find parking and an extra ten to get into the crevice which I was directed to. I ambled down the road and into the restaurant. I was then directed to another door ten metres up the road. From there I was told to go back to the first door and finally shown another doorway which I could swear wasn’t there when I first arrived. Not the greatest start.
By the time I found the place most of the others were there. We had a lovely table on the enclosed balcony with whimsical, eye catching decorations such as trees attached to the roof and these lovely flowing fabric balls of fun. We were given a basket of blankets and the heaters were purring quietly.
There was a simple yet sophisticated cocktail menu, the Classic Mojito Jug (R135) was a crowd pleaser and for the more adventurous drinker, the Strawberry & Basil Mule (R135) was gloriously boozy.
It took me some time to choose my burger. There are all the classic options of burger, with cheese, blue cheese, a sauce and so forth and these all come in a chicken, beef, lamb or fish option. Then there are the gourmet burgers such as the one I chose, The Lourenço Marques: rib-eye steak, marinated in chilli, garlic, white wine and herbs, with a creamy lemon sauce and roasted peppers. I almost sexually assaulted our waitress when she informed me that I could have any combination of side dishes: chips (normal or sweet potato), wedges and salad. I got all four.
By the time the food arrived I had my fair share of bar rash, I was giggling like a small child and was licking the sour cream and chilli sauce bowls which were supposed to be condiments. Even so, as the waitress handed me my plate, my dewy expression instantly turned to one of utter sadness. My saucy “rib-eye” steak looked more like a pale grey minute steak with no sauce and came with no sweet potato chips. The waitress explained that they no longer put the sauce on the burger which MEANT to look the way it did and that I had not ordered sweet potato chips. Bullocks.
My meal was ok. It was nothing extraordinary and I was pretty disappointed. I spent the night eyeing everyone else’s’ food jealously. The truth is that everyone’s looked and tasted great, except mine. I had made a bad choice. Would I go back? Yeah I would, but only once I have gotten over my current grief.
Royale has a boho-quirky feel to it which intrigues you from the moment you step inside, if you can find the secret door. Whatever you do though, don’t order The Lourenço Marques burger, trust me.
Note to self: Their house red is delicious and affordable, must drink more next time.